Free Coffee Day
by visceravulsion
Summary: Tweek wants more free McDonalds coffee, but Craig is a stingy employee. I don't actually know how McDonalds works so don't get angry at me or i'll cry.


"I can't give you anymore free coffee, Tweek."

Tweek began wringing his hands, eye's so wide they looked as though they might suddenly burst out of his skull and go flying around the room like balloons with the air let out of them. Craig figured he was trying to do puppy dog eyes, but it looked more like frog eyes. Craig had a soft spot for all of the earth's creatures though, frogs and twitchy coffee-freaks with amphibian eyes alike. But that soft spot was not enough to convince him to serve Tweek his umpteenth free coffee for that day.

"Ngh! Come on man, just one more, please!" The blond boy was now tugging at his hair, eyes twitching and blinking. Craig was snapped out of his thoughts about whether or not his friend could see underwater.

"That's what you said last time. And the time before that." Craig said, adjusting his Mcdonald's visor, " If I keep giving you coffee there won't be any left for the other customers to try."

" Gah! Since when did you ever give a damn about the other customers? Please Craig, you can't do this to me! It's free coffee day!" Tweek had leaned over the counter to grab fistfuls of the other boy's greasy Mcdonald's uniform and was now shaking him desperately.

"Since I got a raise. I'm not losing this job just to feed your addiction," Craig's head lolled back and forth as he was shaken, "You know addictions are for terrorists. Stop shaking me." He flipped a bird into his friend's face.

Tweek stopped shaking him. Craig was momentarily relieved before Tweek dragged him halfway over the counter so their faces were centimeters apart and screamed, " I'M NOT A TERRORIST! AUGH!"

He winced a little as coffee-flavoured spittle was sprayed in his face. "Yes, you are. See, you're disturbing the peace right now." The lone customer that sat alone in the corner munching a burger was looking over with a vaguely unsettled look on his face. Craig shoved his friend off of him and brushed off his uniform, scowling.

He looked up from his stained uniform to see that Tweek was no longer sporting the longing frog eyes. His face was downcast. Maybe he was going to cry. Craig prayed the floodgates would hold and he wouldn't have to clean snot and tears from the counter. He half wished Tweek had actual frog eyes because he knew for a fact frogs didn't cry.

"Tweek..." he said softly. Or at least he tried to say it softly. Maybe he didn't really try that hard, it still sounded as harsh, nasally, and deadpan as everything he said.

He slowly reached out to touch his friend shoulder comfortingly, but before he could, Tweek's hand dart out to grab his wrist. He had almost forgotten how strong Tweek's grip was. Craig wiggled his fingers around in a way that resembled a distressed spider. "I'm...gh...sorry it has to be this way, Craig." Tweek said solemnly. Before Craig could open his mouth to question him, Tweek emitted a screeching battle cry and his other fist met Craig's face as he leaped over the counter to tackle the stunned Mcdonalds employee to the ground.

"Jesus christ, Tweek! Just go home and make some of your own crap coffee!" Craig yelled trying to shove the crazed coffee-freak off of him. He resisted the urge to feed the boy a knuckle burger courtesy of Mcdonalds and settled on defence instead.

Tweek was making noises like an enraged rooster as he straddled Craig and threw everything he could reach at his face. Cups, utensils and happy meal toys bounced off him. Craig made a strangled noise as Tweek found a pre made burger and smushed it against his face. With pickles and mayonnaise dripping down in his eyes, he ceased grabbing at Tweek momentarily and the other boy leapt up and made a dash for the coffee pot.

Just as his hand grazed the handle, his foot was pulled out from under him and he hit the ground face first. He quickly flipped over onto his back to see Craig kneeling there, condiments smeared across his face but no longer in his eyes, one hand on Tweek's foot, the other holding a ketchup bottle. Before he could wiggle away, ketchup spurted out onto his face.

"NOOO not the ketchup, I don't want tomatoes in my blood system!" Tweek screamed, clawing at his face. Before Craig could pin him down, he leapt up and began running around the restaurant's kitchen, flailing about knocking things off of shelves in his blind panic. He managed to find his way to the drive-through window and half dived half climbed half tripped through it. With a face full of red ketchup he ended up misjudging the distance he would have to dive to escape out the window. And so, he was hanging halfway out with the sliding panels closed around him, kicking his feet and scattering packets of coffee sugar when Craig caught up to him.

Bravely fighting off the kicking limbs as though he were fighting a double headed dragon, Craig managed to latch his arms around his friend's waist and tugged him back into the room. Tweek collapsed onto the floor, twitching and moaning. Craig stared down at him, hands on his hips.

"You're a one-man wrecking crew." He said disapprovingly, wiping some mayo off his forehead with the back of his hand.

Tweek looked up and around the room then squawked and tugged at his hair wailing, "Sweet jesus you were right Craig, I am a terrorist! Gah! I-I should be locked away! I'm a danger to society! I'm a danger to the well-being of fast-food establishments! Take me away." Tweek held out his wrists, head bowed as ketchup dripped off his being.

Craig reached out and tugged him up by the wrists with a sigh. Supporting his limp blond friend, he was about to reprimand him until he cast a glance around the kitchen. "Screw it." There was no way the manager was going to accept a story of being jumped by a crazed, caffeinated maniac thirsting for free dark roast brew as an excuse. He would definitely be fired for this mess, so he might as well take the honorable way out. Leave and quit before he got chewed out by authority. Tearing the visor from his head and tossing it aside where it happened to land in a fryer, he said "Here, have some damn coffee Tweek, it is free coffee day."

Tweek immediately perked up, regaining his hopeful froggie eyes as he stared at Craig."Really man? You mean it? Ngh! Oh god, I'm saved!"

Craig poured the steaming beverage into a cup with some milk before passing it off to Tweek who hurriedly gulped it back, his shaking momentarily coming to a stop as he imbibed the liquid that sustained his life force.

Tugging on his chullo hat and throwing his jacket on over his now beautifully rainbow-of-condiments splattered uniform, Craig flipped off the Mcdonald's restaurant as he and Tweek fled the crime scene.

In the corner of the restaurant, the single customer still sat, frozen in place with the burger clenched in his hands as he stared at the mess that had been left. He would surely be grounded for this, despite not being a part of the mess making. "Oh hamburgers..."


End file.
